


two words upon my headstone, please

by CallicoKitten



Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Anxiety, Depression, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, References to Addiction, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, i mean with tags like that why wouldn't you read this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-15
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 15:42:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8291275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallicoKitten/pseuds/CallicoKitten
Summary: “I just feel like no matter how hard I try.. I’m not strong enough to climb out of that hole.”“Yeah,” Knox says, eventually. “Yeah, I get that.”--wherein shane and knox both have problems but together they feel a little less difficult to manage





	

**Author's Note:**

> i was going to wait until i'd finished this story and post it all at once but this part alone is 5000+ words so who knows how this monstrosity will turn out
> 
> title from los camp's cemetery gaits

The new farmer moves to town in the Spring, Shane's been there about a year.

Marnie announces it over a breakfast of fresh eggs and homemade toast. If it was up to him, Shane wouldn't bother with breakfast. Usually, he wouldn't, he's too hung over, but he doesn't want Jas picking up bad habits. He chews and swallows every bite carefully, internally negotiating with his gut that if it can keep this down he'll eat something other than microwave pizza for lunch.

Jas looks nervous when Marnie tells them someone's moved into the old farm, she's mostly used to everyone in Pelican Town these days even if she'll only talk to Penny, Vincent and his family. She still runs a mile when Marlon shuffles down from the mines or the Wizard joins them for community events. Marnie puts a hand on her shoulder as she tells them to be nice, that they know more than anyone how strange it can be moving to a new town where everyone knows everyone and the cynical part of Shane’s brain adds: _because I want to be able to sell him livestock when he’s ready,_ which isn’t fair because Marnie’s not like that. She’s nice for nice’s sake.

Shane grunts when she asks him pointedly to be polite and drinks down the dregs of his coffee. “I’ll be late for work,” he mutters, leaving his breakfast half eaten. Marnie sighs but doesn’t say anything, she’s given up trying by this point and Shane’s glad. He kisses Jas on the top of her head and tugs on his hoodie. He won’t be late, he’s got ages yet but his skin is crawling and his head is foggy and he really just needs to be out of there.

 

It’s chilly out, he puts his hood up and skirts along the river. The town is quiet this time of the morning. Shane checks the bulletin board out front of Pierre’s as he goes past out of habit. Mayor Lewis has put up an announcement about the new farmer, encouraging everyone to be welcoming. Shane glares at the notice and carries on to Jojamart.

 

He doesn’t actually meet the new farmer for another week or so. He turns up in the Saloon early on Friday evening, strides across to the bar and starts chatting with Emily like they’ve known each other forever. To be honest though, with Emily, that’s not difficult. Shane’s supposed to be dancing with her at the end of the month. He’s only doing it because Gus has threatened to start watering down his beer if he doesn’t.

 

The new farmer is a little taller than Shane, maybe, wearing a light blue top and overalls. His hair is almost as ridiculous as Sam’s but where Sam spends, Shane imagines, like, an hour every morning getting it to do that, the farmer’s just looks like it’s never met a hair brush.

 

Emily laughs and Shane hates her in that moment. He only has an hour or so before the Saloon is heaving. He hates Friday evenings, he could go drink in Cindersap Forest, he’s got beer stashed all over, but Marnie comes in on Fridays and she gets worried if he’s not there. Shane resolves to drink faster than usual, the drunker he gets the less he’ll care about the noise around him.

 

He keeps an eye on the farmer as the Saloon gets fuller, he sits with Leah and Elliot for a bit, moves on to chat with Willy and Clint and gives Sebastian a run for his money at the pool table. Inevitably, he turns up in front of Shane. Shane concentrates on pint of ale in his hand, hopes that if he stares hard enough at the pale liquid he’ll look up and find the farmer across the room with Pierre or something but he doesn’t. Instead, when he looks up he accidentally catches the farmer’s gaze.  

 

“Hi,” he starts.

 

Almost as soon as he opens his mouth Shane snaps, “I don’t know you. Why are you talking to me?”

 

The farmer is - annoyingly - undeterred. “I’m Knox. I just moved into the farm outside of town. You’re Marnie’s nephew, right? Shane?”

 

Shane grunts. The farmer - Knox - keeps smiling.

 

“Can I buy you a drink, or something?”

 

Shane grunts again. He’s not about to turn down free alcohol but he’s also not about engage this weirdo in conversation. After a moment, Knox heads back to the bar and when Shane next looks up there’s a fresh beer on his table and Knox is sitting with Harvey drinking coffee.

 

Shane glances across the Saloon to check whether Marnie’s seen. He really can’t take her being mad at him right now but she’s too caught up in Lewis to notice. Shane doesn’t like Lewis. He seems overly concerned in insisting there’s nothing between him and Marnie even though the whole town knows it’s bull. If he really cared, he’d have made Marnie an honest woman a long time ago.

 

Whatever, though. In Shane’s opinion, romance only ever ends in tears.

 

\---

 

Usually, Shane’s week goes like this:

 

Monday through Friday he drags himself out of bed, hopes he can get out of the house without being cornered by Jas or Marnie, gets to JojaMart on autopilot, listens to Morris bitch and stacks shelves and sneaks whiskey in the breakroom and glares at the checkout girl when she catches him. He fucking hates Jojamart. He worked in one in the city when he was a kid, after school. When it was socially fucking acceptable to work stacking shelves. To be honest though, it’s not like he could cope with a more strenuous job, even if there was more on offer in Pelican Town.

 

Even when he was mostly sober, he’d never been able to hold down a real job.

 

Anyway. Since there’s fuck all to do in Pelican Town and going home would mean seeing Marnie and Jas and just - after a day of menial fucking labour and Morris whining he can’t deal with Marnie’s disappointment or Jas spending the evening trying to cheer him up. She shouldn’t have to do that, she deserves to have tea parties with Marnie or chill out and watch tv. She shouldn’t have to worry about a grown ass man who can’t get his shit together.

 

Saturday and Sunday go one of two ways, usually. Either, Shane stays in bed and drinks or Shane gets up, steadily eats his way through all the microwave pizzas in the freezer and sits in the barn all day with his chickens. And drinks. Either way he drinks. He’s tried not to but it’s just -

 

It’s hard.

 

In the city, he used to go to an AA group which helped some but there’s nothing like that round here so he’s kind of stuck. Like always.

 

Jas joins him in the barn sometimes but mostly, she heads out to the forest or down to the beach with Vincent and Sam. She’s settling in well, Shane thinks. Pelican Town’s been good for her, she’d been shy even before her parent’s died, hadn’t made many friends in school back in the city. She got lost in the classroom, her teachers told Shane, there were louder, more demanding kids that took up their attention, they didn’t have enough time for her. It had been them that suggested moving her to a smaller, quieter place with smaller classes to giver her room to grow.

 

When they first moved here, she stuck to his side like glue, now he’s less worried about how she’d cope if he left so there’s that, at least.

 

He keeps himself to himself, talks to Emily when she’s so relentless about it, says hi to Gus, gets stern talkings to from Lewis about cleaning up his act and filthy looks from Penny and every once in awhile, Harvey accosts him to complain about how often he ends up in the clinic after passing out drunk somewhere.

 

He’s living the fucking dream, really. Nothing to complain about.

 

So anyway,  it’s a Sunday and he’s in the barn. It’s been a rough week but Charlie’s warm and soft on his lap and he’s finally - _finally_ \- hatched a blue chick. It’s nestled itself in Shane’s hood, downy soft and sleepy.

 

He hears the bell over the raunch door go and the low murmur of voices and bends into himself, pressing his face into Charlie’s feathers and hoping whoever it is will leave.

 

They do eventually and Shane breaths out. Charlie clucks.

 

“Sorry, bud,” Shane says, stroking her feathers absently.

 

There’s a knock at the door and Shane feels panicked for a moment before Jas peeks around the door, a fresh fairy rose tucked expertly into her hair. “Uncle Shane? Farmer Knox brought you something.”

 

She crosses the barn and holds out a bundle of fresh chillies. Shane raises an eyebrow, it’s Spring. Chillies grow in Summer. He accepts them warily, “Thanks, Jas. He still out there?”

 

“Nope. He says he has a lot to do today. He brought cave carrots for Marnie’s goats as well.”

 

Shane reaches up to brush her fringe back, touches the soft petals of the flower as he does so, “He bring you this too?” They grow in the Fall, Shane thinks. Not Spring.

 

Jas nods. She’s watching him carefully. Searching for approval, or something.

 

“It looks very pretty, Jas.”

 

She beams.

 

“Did you say thank you?”

 

Jas rolls her eyes, “ _Yes_ , Uncle Shane.”

 

She leaves and Shane’s left holding a bunch of chillies and frowning slightly. Charlie clucks inquisitively.

 

“I’m as confused as you, pal,” he says, to the chicken.

 

\---

 

He doesn’t run into the farmer - Knox - until late the next week. It’s a Friday and it’s raining and he’s hurrying across the town towards Jojamart when Knox appears, heading for the path behind Pierre’s shop. There’s a flimsy looking wooden sword slung across his back. He’s going to the mines, Shane realises. Shane goes up to the entrance there sometimes, mostly to sit in the dark and drink or to peer down the ladder into the depths. He’s never gotten up the courage to actually go down there but he’s considered it every now and again.

 

After all, if he got into trouble down there it would look like an accident. No one would be mad at him. Jas would be sad but she wouldn’t be angry. She wouldn’t grow up thinking he’d left her deliberately.

 

Knox smiles at him as he passes, “Morning.”

 

Shane would dearly like to grunt in return and get out of the rain but there’s a box of fresh made pepper poppers in his bag for lunch and he, at the very least, should say thank you. Because this is him though, it comes out more as an accusation. “Hey,” he calls. “How did you know about the peppers?”

 

As soon as the words are out of his mouth he regrets them. A flush starts to spread across his cheeks.

 

Knox pauses, turns back to him and shrugs, good naturedly. “I bought them from that weird old cart that pops up in the forest sometimes. I just thought you’d like them, is all.” He shoves his hands in the pockets of his jeans. “Did you like them?”

 

Shane nods and Knox smiles. “Well, then. I’m glad I bought them.”

 

Shane narrows his eyes. He doesn’t want Knox to think that they’re friends or anything so he barks, “Well, thanks.” And leaves, heading for work.

 

“I’ll see you at the Saloon!” Knox calls after him.

 

Shane stuffs his hands in his hoodie pockets and walks faster.

 

\---

 

By 9pm, Knox still hasn’t popped up in the Saloon.

 

It’s still packed, Elliot’s had too much to drink and keeps trying to get Leah to sing along with him and Robin and Demetrius have been joined in dancing by Marnie and Lewis.

 

Abigail got into the mines last winter, ended up with a broken arm and a few broken ribs. Marlon had dragged her out and she’d spent a week in the clinic.

 

Shane drinks and watches the clock. Not that he’s worried or anything.

It’s almost 11 when Knox appears, throwing open the door looking filthy and exhausted. It’s quieter by then, Emily and Gus are cleaning up for the night. Clint and Willy are chatting quietly, Sam, Abigail and Sebastian are getting ready to leave and Pam’s passed out waiting for Penny to come and walk her home. Marnie and Lewis left separately but Shane’s fairly sure he’ll be woken up at 5 am by Lewis trying to sneak out anyway.

 

Emily has a pint ready for Knox by the time he reaches the bar and he beams, handing her a flat, yellow stone along with the money. Emily all but squeals, holding up the stone to the lights before pocketing it and throwing her arms around Knox’s neck.

 

Shane looks away. Focuses on his beer.

 

Knox makes his rounds, produces little gifts for the stragglers and offers to help Penny get Pam home. Penny turns him down politely, cheeks colouring and inevitably, Knox appears at Shane’s table. “Hey,” he says, dropping uninvited in the chair opposite Shane. He reaches into his backpack and pulls out a bunch of cave carrots, crusted in soil and sets them on the table in front of Shane. “I got these for Marnie. She says her goats have a taste for them.”

 

Shane looks down at the filthy vegetables and back up at Knox. “So?”

 

Knox is unperturbed, “Can you bring them to her? I don’t think I’ll be up to much tomorrow.”

 

Shane sighs. Makes sure Knox knows he does not want to do this and snatches the carrots up. “Fine,” he says, curtly.

 

Knox bristles at that a little and he sits for a moment more before standing up, “Well, goodnight then,” he says.  Shane says nothing in return and after saying goodbye to Gus and Emily, he leaves.

 

Later, while Emily’s cleaning up she asks why Shane’s being so mean to the new farmer. “He’s so nice, Shane,” she insists. “Really, he is.”

 

“I’m not nice, Em,” Shane mutters, draining his glass and rummaging in his pockets for money. He hands it to her and she rolls her eyes.

 

“Yes, you are, Shane. You’re just a little grouchy,” she tells him. “Get home safe, okay?”

 

Shane grunts.

 

\---

 

Marnie’s delighted with her cave carrots and the goats, though not talking, enjoy them too. Marnie asks Shane to take over a basket of egg and cheese to thank Knox, reminding him that it’s only a ten minute walk up to the farmhouse and that outside of drinking, Shane doesn’t have any plans that day.

 

Shane snatches the basket with a scowl and stomps out. He hates how shitty his relationship with Marnie has been lately. All he seems to do lately is slam doors and stomp his feet and she’s been so damn _good_ to him and Jas.

 

He takes a can of beer with him because it might be 10 am but it’s a Saturday and god, Shane made himself look like _such_ an ass last night.

 

For only having been in town three weeks, Knox has really made headway in cleaning up the farm. There are few big boulders and logs still strewn about but gone are the weeds and rocks and branches. There’s an area fenced off to one side that looks like it’ll be a silo one day and a good few patches of vegetables. Cauliflowers, parsnips, potatoes, a small patch of tulips planted around two bee houses, a line of green bean trellises.

 

A ginger cat is sunning itself on the porch and trots down to meet him as he approaches, winding itself around his legs. Shane’s seen it around before, a mangy little thing with a torn ear that Abigail has wanted to adopt and Gus fed on scraps. It’s nice that Knox took it in. Good. Shane bends to scratch the cat behind the ears and it bunts his hand, purring.

 

Knox answers the door rubbing his eyes and yawning. It’s obvious he’s just woken up, he’s barefoot, dressed in a loose t shirt and pajama pants. His hair looks as messy as ever.

“‘Lo?” he mumbles, before he wakes up a little more and says, “Shane?”

 

Shane feels immediately guilty for waking him up. He looks exhausted and there’s a bruise on elbow, spreading up his arm. Shane must look like he’s staring because Knox grins, blearily, “Got into a little trouble with some cave flies. Little buggers.”

 

“Maybe you should be a little more careful,” Shane says, before he can stop himself.

 

Knox blinks, bemused, “Yeah, I’ll try to. Did you, uh, need something?”

 

Shane holds out the basket, “Marnie sent this as thanks.”

 

Knox’s whole face brightens. “Oh!” he looks down at the cat. “Looks like we’ve got a feast tonight, buddy!” He looks back up at Shane and smiles sheepishly, “I haven’t quite made bank yet. It’s been the bare minimum lately.”

 

Shane frowns. “If you need food Gus would give it to you, you know. He feeds Linus all the time.”

 

Knox shakes his head, “That’s different. I have food, I just don’t have much of it. I’m saving up so Robin’ll upgrade my house so I can finally have a kitchen.”

 

“You don’t have a kitchen?”

 

Knox opens his door wider so Shane can peer past him into the cottage. It’s not huge, there’s a table, chair and a tiny little TV set. Off in one corner there’s a bed and a door that Shane assumes leads to a bathroom. On the floor by the table is a mini fridge.

 

“I have a hot plate,” Knox says, conversationally. “And a rice cooker. It’s like being a student again.”

 

This is the part where Shane is supposed to invite him over for dinner or something but he doesn’t. He’ll beat himself up for it later but he just can’t get those words out of his mouth. Instead, he shoves the basket towards Knox so he can get the hell out of here and go back to bed. Knox takes the basket and Shane turns to go.

 

“Tell Marnie I said thanks!” Knox calls, before Shane leaves.

 

\---

 

“Haven’t I been rude enough to you yet?” Shane grumbles the next time Knox drops into the seat opposite Shane. It’s the evening before the Flower Dance, Shane’s torn between getting so horrendously drunk that Marnie lets him sleep it off and skip the festival or cutting back so he doesn’t run the risk of showing up hung over and throwing up on Emily’s shoes.

 

Knox smiles weakly, “I guess not.”

 

It’s been raining a lot lately so he’s been spending a lot of time in the mines, digging up gems to hand out like candy. He looks tired, there’s a bandage on his left wrist. Emily comes by and sets down a pizza with a side of pepper poppers and pint. Shane’s stomach growls. Knox thanks Emily and hands her a generous tip.

 

“You want some?” Knox asks, gesturing to the food.

 

Shane stares and then helps himself to some pizza. They might not be friends but he’s not about to turn down free food. They eat in silence for a few minutes before Knox ruins it by draining his glass, sighing and saying: “So I’m getting Robyn to build me a chicken coop. Marnie says you’re really good with her chickens, you got any tips?”

 

Shane chews his pizza and swallows, “Feed them, pet them, let them out when it’s not raining and keep them warm in the winter. It’s not all that hard.”

 

For whatever reason, Knox thinks this is a joke and laughs. “Alright, alright, I get it.” He rubs his greasy hands on his jeans. “So, you going to the dance tomorrow?”

 

Shane could point out that Pelican Town is the kind of place where _everyone_ goes to everything just because there’s nothing else going on during the year but he doesn’t, instead he shrugs evenly, “Probably.”

 

Knox has drawn up on of his legs so he can lean on his knee, “You gonna dance with anyone?”

 

Shane bristles, “Are you?”

 

Knox shakes his head, “I don’t think I know anyone well enough.”

 

“Thought you’d ask Emily,” Shane says. Hopefully.

 

Knox shakes his head, “I’m going to struggle to water my crops tomorrow, let alone dance.” He stifles a yawn with his hand and presses his face closer into his knees. “Sam says he’ll draw all over my face if I fall asleep,” he says, voice slightly muffled.

 

“Maybe you should head home then,” Shane suggests.

 

Knox smiles, “I’m planning to. I’m just, you know, charging the energy. I got down to level forty today. Marlon’s super excited, no one’s got down that far since he did and that was like, a forever ago. Fucking overrun with bats down there, though.”

 

Shane nods to the bandage on his wrist, “You get that down there?”

 

“Yeah. There’s these things down there, Marlon calls them ‘Stone Golems’, they’re mostly aimless but they’ve got a hell of a grip if they get you.” He grins, flexing his fingers. “I could barely climb out, Demetrius had to help me. Lucky he was looking for mushrooms or whatever.”

 

Shane narrows his eyes, “If it’s that dangerous why go down there?”

 

“I need the money,” Knox says simply. “I need the ore to build stuff for the farm so I don’t starve during winter. You know, like preserves jars and stuff. Coal is such a bitch to find down there you would _not_ believe it.”

 

“That sounds rough,” Shane says. He’s pretty sure he would have given up after a few days. It sounds like _so_ much to deal with. Shane would have drowned in it.

 

Knox yawns, “Yeah. It’s _so_ much better than what I was doing back in Zuzucity though.”  He unfolds himself and stretches, snatches up the last pepper popper and stands up. “Man, I love these things,” he says, looking wistfully at the pepper. He takes a bite and, mouthful, looks back up Shane to say, “See you tomorrow then.”

 

\---

 

Shane knows the Flower Dance is going to be a disaster as soon as he wakes up. His thoughts slow, like swimming through molasses and his limbs are heavy.

 

Most days he just feels numb to it all, like he’s drifting, like nothing’s really real, like he’ll wake up someday and realise this was all a bad dream but some days, some days it’s all too  real. He can’t escape the fact that he’s a fuck up, that he’s already wasted almost three decades, that he’s fucking up Jas’s life, dragging her down because she has to fucking babysit him and he’ll never - _never_ \- be able to buck the fuck up and change because he’s such a damn _coward._

 

His chest feels tight.

 

Any other day he’d roll over, reach under the bed for the six pack of beer and pull the blankets over his head. Instead, he lies still, stares up at the ceiling and tries not to think about the new suit Marnie’s pressed and ironed for him hanging in his wardrobe.

 

Marnie sends Jas to come and get him up, padding into Shane’s room in her pajamas. She must know as soon as she sees him because she doesn’t say anything at first. Instead, she climbs up and lies next to him, curled up close to him. After her parents died, this was the only she’d sleep for weeks.

 

He hates that she feels like she has to do this for him. He fucking _hates_ it.

 

Shane squeezes his eyes shut.

 

After a few minutes, Jas pokes him gently in the ribs. “Marnie says you have to get up soon. She’s got breakfast all ready.”

 

Shane nods. He’ll get up. He will. It’s just…

Jas leaves. A little while later Marnie leans in. Her arms are crossed, she’s trying to look stern but failing. She just looks sad. Worried. _Disappointed_.

 

He’s such a _screw up._

 

He gets up on autopilot. Marnie’s made pancakes but they don’t taste right so Shane only eats a little bit. He gets dressed slowly. Jas is excited, Emily made her a new dress for the dance and Shane’s trying - _trying_ to be excited for her but he can’t. He can’t feel anything. He just wants to shut himself off in his room and close his eyes until the world's a little more bearable but he can’t. Not today.

 

He sets himself up at the food table when they get there, he’s got a few hours before the dance.

 

He’s got a choice. He’s either gonna bail and go get drunk in the woods and deal with everyone knowing how much of a pathetic asshole he really is, or he’ll drink whatever Pam’s smuggled in and hope he doesn’t pass out.

 

He can’t do this sober.

 

He really fucking can’t.

 

\---

 

Turns out, Pam had snuck in vodka.

 

Shane doesn’t remember much of the dance. He knows he danced, he’s fairly sure he almost fell over a number of times and Emily only barely caught him. He thinks Knox helped Marnie drag him home, dumped him in bed.

 

He’ll fucking hate himself for all of this in the morning.

 

He’s such a fucking screw up.

 

\---

 

He sneaks out of the house early the next day for work, shame sitting heavy in his gut. He doesn’t want to see anyone. He doesn’t want to see how hurt Emily is or how worried Jas is or how disappointed Marnie is.

 

He can deal with Morris. Morris doesn’t have any expectations of him. As long as Shane turns up and does what he’s told he’s fine.

 

After work he doesn’t go back to the ranch. He skirts all the around town and down through Knox’s farm to the lake. He’s taken to keeping a couple of six packs under the docks there, the water keeps them cool and there’s not really anyone around to steal them. He’s been pretty successful at avoiding everyone today, the only person he really ran into was Pam who smirked at him as she stocked up on spirits.

 

He walks out to the end of the dock with his beer, lights the little lantern that Willy left there for night fishing and sits down, legs dangling over the water. It would be so easy to just slip in. The beer cans would weigh him down enough, he thinks.

 

They’d probably find him really easily, though.

 

It’d probably be Jas. She likes to come out here to play sometimes, by the big tree. He doesn’t want to put her through that.

 

He’s on his third beer before he hears anyone. It’s dark before he hears anyone. He assumes it’s Linus, foraging for salmon berries or Abigail creeping home after a day hanging out near the Wizard’s Tower but it’s not.

“Shane?” Knox calls.

 

Shane doesn’t turn around. He hears Knox step onto the dock, it sounds like he’s dragging something.

 

“Up late, huh?” Shane asks, when Knox sits down beside him. If it was anyone else Shane would leave or ask them, not very politely, to. Maybe he’s just too tired for that. Maybe he owes Knox for helping him get back to Marnie’s yesterday.

 

“Yeah,” Knox says. “Ran out of wood on the farm so I’ve been slowly demolishing the forest.” He pats the axe at his belt. There are few bundles of wood behind him that must have been what he was dragging. He looks tired but Shane’s learning that Knox _always_ looks tired.

 

“Here, have a cold one,” he says, holding out a beer.

 

Knox hesitates a moment before accepting it. Shane looks back out across the water, hears the hiss of the can opening and Knox taking a long draught. “Fuck, I didn’t know I was that thirsty,” he says, when he lowers the can again and Shane smiles a little. He knows that feeling. It’s usually how he feels after his shift at Joja.

 

They sit in silence and drink for a little while, listening to the rustling of the wind in the trees but, like always, Knox ruins it. “I’m getting Robin to build a barn, that’s what the woods for,” he says, patting the bundles behind him. “Gonna get some cows from Marnie.”

 

Shane frowns at him, “Didn’t you just get a coop last week?”

 

Knox shrugs. “Turns out eggs and mayonnaise aren’t worth all that much. Plus if I get a big enough barn and Marnie’s impressed with how I’m doing, she’ll sell me a pig. And I fucking _love_ pigs.” He says it with such enthusiasm that Shane finds himself snorting into his beer.

 

“What?” Knox says, defensively.  “Pigs are _awesome._ They’re smarter than dogs, probably, and super clean.”

 

“Yeah,” Shane says, when he’s stopped laughing. “Yeah, they’re pretty awesome, I guess.”

 

“I mean, they’ll eat me if I like, fall asleep in their pen but circle of life, you know?” Knox says, like that’s something a sane person would say in normal conversation.

 

Shane smiles and then sighs. “I really screwed up at the dance.”

 

To his credit, Knox doesn’t baby him. Shane likes that. “Yeah,” he agrees. “You kind of did.”

 

“I don’t even remember what happened,” Shane admits quietly.

 

“Well,” Knox says carefully. “You looked okay until the dance, Emily had to practically carry you through it. We managed to get you back to the raunch before you puked though.”

 

Shane winces, “Was she mad?”

 

“Emily?” Knox asks, when Shane nods, he shrugs. “She was more sad, I think. She got to be the Flower Queen though. Jas was upset though.” That last part hangs heavily in the air and Shane’s not sure if Knox said that to make him feel shitty or if it was just an observation either way, it makes Shane drain his beer can and reach for the next one.

 

“You ever feel like no matter what you do… you’re gonna fail.... Like you’re stuck in some miserable abyss and you’re so deep you can’t even see the light of day?” he says, after a few moments.

 

Knox doesn’t reply. Shane’s gazing out across the lake again but he can feel Knox’s gaze on him.

 

“I just feel like no matter how hard I try.. I’m not strong enough to climb out of that hole.”

 

“Yeah,” Knox says, eventually. “Yeah, I get that.”

 

Shane looks across at him. Knox sits forwards with a small sigh, “That’s why I left the city. It got to the stage where I was looking for a way out and if wasn’t this then…” He finishes up his can and stares at it moodily.

 

Shane swallows thickly. “Man after my own heart,” he says, weakly.

 

Knox smiles faintly. “You gonna be okay getting home?”

 

Shane nods and Knox stands up, “You’ll head in soon though, right?”

 

“Yeah, my livers begging me to stop. I’ll call it a night soon.”

 

“Alright,” Knox yawns. “I’ll see you around, Shane.”

 

\---

 

Shane posts the letter on the way to work. It’s not big deal, he tells himself. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a recipe.

 

It doesn’t mean anything.


End file.
